Never Assume The Worst
by Pixel and Stephanie Forever
Summary: The Professors overhear H/Hr talking and assume the worse possible situations! T rated only for the suggestive theme - otherwise it is my first ever K rated fic - Oh the horror! Chapter 5 - Harry has breasts? What is going on?
1. Twister

**Never Assume The Worse**

Professor Minerva McGonagall had been teaching for more years then she cared to remember, and she considered that she knew most of what went on in the castle. At the moment, the professor was walking down one of the many corridors at Hogwarts when she heard moaning sounds coming from the bottom of a dead end corridor. Curiosity piqued, the good Professor turned the corner and went to investigate quietly so as not to alert whoever was making the sounds. What she heard made her eyebrows achieve Earth Orbit. There were in fact _two_ voices, and she identified them as Mr Harry Potter and Miss Hermione Jane Granger. A moment later, and McGonagall realised that the sounds did not indicate both of them where in pain, but rather that they where having sex. As both where under the age of sixteen, they would be in great trouble indeed when she spoke to them. Then again, Hermione wasn't as strong as Harry was, and so the two of them could be simply training away from other students, so she stopped to listen to their talking. What she heard nearly caused her to pass out in shock and melt through the floor.

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, "It hurts" and Harry seemed to be chuckling.

"Well I'm not surprised with the position that you're in" he replied. The sounds of bodies hitting the floor indicated that they had collapsed. McGonagall was in a worry. If the pair was having sex, then it was against the school rules, but Harry had never been so happy then when he was with Hermione – so what was the good Professor to do?

"Again?" Hermione asked.

"I can't do it" Harry complained.

"Yes you can" Hermione said, "Just get on top and slide down onto me" and McGonagall was as red as the sun at this point.

"If you're sure" Harry said, seemingly dubious about it.

"I've been doing this since I was eight" Hermione replied, "You can't hurt me that much. Minerva McGonagall wondered if the Grangers knew about what Hermione had been doing since the age of 8. This was enough for her, and she opened the classroom door to find them both fully clothed in the middle of the space. She stared at the students, and they looked back at her.

"Good Afternoon, Professor McGonagall" Hermione said to her.

"Would you like to play twister as well?" asked Harry – both teens grinning from ear to ear.

**A/N:**

**And that goes to prove you all this down as them having sex! – Dirty minded buggers!**

**A One Shot done in ten minutes, and this makes it the third thing uploaded in less then 24 hours!**

**You can just imagine McGonagall's face when she was hearing all the sounds!**

**Reviews loved from all…**

**Regards**

**Pixel**


	2. Severus Snape Surprised

**Severus Snape Surprised**

"YOU WHAT?" the questioned thundered down the corridors, and through rooms.

"It's come" said Hermione. Harry looked like he had been given sugar directly into his bloodstream, and he dragged Hermione and the package out of the room. They found a quiet room, and the Gryffindor Seeker set up the equipment while Hermione watched. This room had an unlimited ceiling which worked wonders for what they had both wanted, and Hermione conjured a platform that would float upwards to whatever height Harry or herself wanted. The platform was a plain and simple one, but it had several hooks along the edge which Harry tied the long coils of rope to.

"Remind me to thank your parents, Herms" he said, and Harry stood up with a type of harness in his hands. "Can you do this for me?" he asked, and Hermione nodded. Harry stepped onto the platform and checked that all the clips sat in the hooks correctly. After he was certain, Harry told the platform to go to about a hundred and fifty feet. Hermione followed him with her gaze as she and Harry would be making Pensive recordings of the days events.

#

Severus Snape was not in a good mood. He had been forced to _award_ points to Neville as he had saved Malfoy from getting hit by objects thrown from Peeves. As for Malfoy, Snape was certain that Cucumbers did not suddenly appear firmly planted in somebody's anal passage. He had to assume that Peeves had done it though, but several other Ghosts had been sporting large grins. He was walking past the old DADA room when he heard noises coming from behind the door. He paused and listened from the door to ascertain what was going on.

"Your turn" said Harry's voice.

"Imagine the look on magical folk's faces if they see this get up" Hermione's voice filtered under the door.

"Now you don't want to fall out do you?" Harry said, and he was accompanied by the sounds of clinking metal.

"Tie me up while I'm doing this will you?" asked Hermione. More of the clinking was heard by Snape, and he was unsure as to what the pair was doing in the room beyond.

"God, Hermione, you are so tight" Harry panted, and this was too much for Snape. He burst into the room and was surprised by the scene. Hermione was bending over and leaning against the wall, and wearing some kind of restraint. Harry was stood up behind her and attaching and tying more rope and tightening the harness. It looked – to Snape's mind – the pair of them had engaged in the muggle past time of bondage.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" roared Snape. The two Gryffindors looked at Snape, then pointed upwards with a finger.

"Bungee jumping, Professor Snape" they chorused.

**A/N:**

**I know it was a one off, but I couldn't help but turn this into a series of funny happenings at Hogwarts.**

**Next: What happens when Hermione and Harry take up Gardening? Can Professor Sprout survive?**


	3. Fumbling In The Flowerbeds

**Fumbling In The Flowerbeds**

Harry watched as the blond girl came into the greenhouse, and took off her jacket.

"Glad you could make it" he said.

"I'm happy to help" said Luna.

"Shall we begin?" enquired Hermione.

#

Professor Sprout was enjoying the day, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, the grass was as green as could be and she headed off to the greenhouses. She only had the one lesson today, so most of her time had been spent completing paperwork for Dumbledore. A great Wizard he might be, but a good pen pusher he was not. When Sprout thought of it, she labelled Dumbledore as a not so good wizard – one who would stop at nothing to ensure he got what he wanted. As she reached the haven of her subject, Sprout began to hear several voices. The woman slowed to a creeping pace, and moved towards the source of the noise. After a moment, Professor Pomora Sprout's eyebrows achieved orbit!

"That hurt you know" came Hermione Granger's voice.

"Not used to a little prick are we?" asked Harry.

"Not funny" said Hermione. "Now I shall have to suck on it" and Sprout started to get hot under the collar.

"You think that is bad?" came another voice, "I'm all sticky because of Harry" and it was a moment before the evesdropping teacher tagged the name as belonging to Luna Lovegood.

"I'm sorry" Harry said, "But it came faster then I was expecting. I didn't mean to shoot so much out" and Hermione snorted.

"Bet you say that to all the girls" she sighed. "Me and Luna didn't want to lose it like this, you know" the girl added.

"Its bad enough covered in sap from Harry, Hermione" said Luna, "But now we're both covered in his seed!" and Sprout could bear this no longer. Harry deserved to have a relationship, and if he wanted two witches at the same time, then that is his choice. What she didn't want, was them to do it in the greenhouses or out in public. She strode firmly into the greenhouse and saw the three of them completely clothed.

"What is going on in here?" she demanded.

"Ah" said Harry.

"We've been doing this for a few hours" Luna said.

"And now" Hermione held up a dead plant.

"HE DEFLOWERED US!" said the girls at the same time.

**A/N:**

**Tell Me What You Think**

**Pixel**


	4. The Legend Of Harry's Snake

**The Legend Of Harry's Snake**

Things had gone quiet recently at Hogwarts, and some students found this to be quite boring. The staff though had gone two full weeks without any misunderstandings from Harry and Hermione, and hoped they would not have another incident

They were sadly mistaken

#

The Gryffindor common room was packed, and none of them had much of an idea as to what should happen.

"Why don't we try it?" Harry suggested.

"Alright" said Hermione, "But I'll have to change my clothes first" and as Harry did it, they both went to their respective dorms to change. When they came down again, Hermione tapped a record player with her wand and an odd type of music started to play with some words as well.

_I've had… the time of my life_

_And I owe it all to you_

And with that, Harry and Hermione started to dance the dance in the film _Dirty Dancing_ complete with all the actions. The noise in the room, which had been well into the 100 decibel zone, vanished as they saw Harry and Hermione dancing all over the place. Once they had finished, they bowed to the person opposite and then their clothes began to change. To the stunned looks of the watching Gryffindors and one Ravenclaw - Luna Lovegood – the pair literary waltzed out the room and down the corridors.

"I need a drink" said one of the 7th years.

#

It was some time afterwards - a Tuesday – when the next incident took place involving Harry and Hermione. It all happened during Muggle Studies – Harry had taken that instead of Divinination – and Susan was talking to her friend Hannah about something she had read in a teen magazine.

"I've never seen one so huge before" the red head commented.

"Well I can't speak from experience, but that was bigger then I thought" Hannah replied. Hermione and Harry looked at each other with raised eyebrows, and the pair exchanged knowing smiles. Hermione went to the front to get some more equipment and made it a point to see what was the content of the article.

"So what is the big thing all about?" Harry asked quietly.

"The magical version of the dildo" Hermione replied, and Harry briefly went red before returning to normal.

"I think it is time for another prank" he said.

"I concur" his girlfriend replied. Muggle Studies had a ten minute break, for some reason or another, which gave Harry enough time to get to his destination and then back again.

#

"Personally, Harry, I think it is bigger then that thing in that magazine" Hermione said loudly.

"Yes…" Harry said lazily, "It is quite enormous" he replied at equal volume. Several people looked at them, but then returned to their own work.

"And of course, I don't need anything in a magazine to satisfy me" said the bushy haired girl. This went on for several minutes until Professor Burbage came over to speak to them.

"I would like you two to work more quietly" she said. "And what were you two talking about anyway?" the Professor added.

"Hannah and Susan were talking about magical dildos, but I simply said to Harry that I wouldn't need one. I've seen his enormous snake after all" Hermione informed her. Burbage blushed before calming down once again.

"I think you should save this talk for times when you are not in class" she said.

"You don't believe me?" Hermione put on a convincing wail. By now, the entire class had stopped their work and were looking at the pair of Gryffindors, and this was Harry's cue.

"If they don't believe you, I think it is time to show the evidence" and Hermione wiped her eyes before diving into her school bag to retrieve a tiny picture.

"See?" she waved it around… oh of course not! Silly me! It isn't big enough" and before Burbage could stop her or say words to the wise, Hermione tapped the picture and it grew into an 8ft by 8ft poster sized portrait. There – clearly visible – was Harry standing in the Chamber of Secrets next to the dead Basilisk.

"Told you he has a huge snake" Hermione smiled.


	5. The Hardness of Breasts

**The Hardness of Breasts**

Life was going well for Professor Flitwick, and he looked forward to indulging in his hobby of model making. As he made his way from the Charms classroom to his quarters he heard voices coming from a classroom that he knew to be unused, so he decided to investigate what was going on.

"Are you certain I've got them wrong?" came the voice of Hermione Granger.

"I think so" Harry Potter's voice replied. "We should head to the library and see if we can find a book on this" and Flitwick quickly disillusioned himself as the pair came out.

#

Flitwick thought nothing of the overheard talk – assuming it was something to do with coursework – and so he had forgotten it by the middle of the next week. As he headed back to his office to grade some assignments, he heard Harry and Hermione talking again in the same room.

"How the hell do you get bras on in a morning?" Harry asked.

"Practice" Hermione replied.

"Well I just figured out how we can make our mark in the wizarding world" Harry grunted as he struggled with something. "Invent a charm that puts bras on… make a load of money for that" and Hermione laughed.

"I'll think about it" she said. "Now you've got it on, so now what do you want to do?" the girl asked him.

"You mean apart from getting Dobby to make me appear in the middle of the Slytherin common room whilst wearing a dress?" Harry asked.

"Apart from that" came the reply. Flitwick could only imagine the mixture of looks on the Slytherin's faces when they saw that!

"Take out your breasts" Harry instructed, and Flitwick nearly had a heart attack on the spot. There was the sound of someone rummaging and the scraping of material, and then the noise ceased.

"Got them" Hermione called.

"Now give them a good squeeze" Harry said, and Flitwick was certain he was going to have a major coronary failure soon.

"Mmmm" Hermione sighed.

"Now touch mine" Harry said. There was the sound of footsteps and Flitwick's blood pressure was approaching a 10 on the _Vernon Dursley_ scale.

"Oh, Harry" Hermione seemed disappointed. "Your breasts are harder then mine, and much bigger too. How do you do it, and can you make mine as big and firm as yours?" and Flitwick fell to the floor in a heap. The noise of him collapsing made the pair open the door to the classroom room and looked out into the corridor.

"Whats up?" asked Hermione as they saw the professor curled up in a ball.

"I think he must have heard us getting ready" said Harry.

"We better get him to the hospital wing" Hermione said, and she floated him into the air. "I wonder what caused him to keel over like that" she mused.

"Oh, Harry" Flitwick muttered, "Your breasts are harder then mine, and much bigger too. How do you do it, and can you make mine as big and firm as yours?" and Harry and Hermione exchanged looks at each other.

"I guess he didn't get the pantomime notice then" Harry shrugged

**A/N:**

**Well I hope you like this!**

**In case you are wondering, in the UK it is a tradition for male actors to play female parts in pantomime productions.**

**This chapter was inspired by a scene in the film "**_Wild, Wild West_**".**

**People who have seen it will know which scene I am on about!**

**So that's 5 teachers down, anyone any suggestions for the next teacher? (Can only be from lessons that Harry and Hermione attended together).**

**Regards**

**Pixel**


	6. The Impressive Sexually Charged Breakfas

**The Impressive Sexually Charged Breakfast**

Harry and Hermione had taken to casting shield charms when Ron started eating as food went everywhere. This morning though they had had stunned him, stripped him naked, painted his body blue and his testicles a bright orange and hung him from the ceiling in the Slytherin common room. The pair of them sat in the great hall eating breakfast together as normal.

"So I glanced down at it sticking up into the air. It was all bent and looked a bit diseased. I stared into his eyes and said 'Is it supposed to look like that?'" Luna was telling Neville a story about something that had happened over the summer.

"Only you could say that with a straight face" Neville laughed. Hermione flushed a red as she understood what Luna was talking about. Then she saw what Harry was eating.

"My, my Mr Potter" she drawled, "What a big sausage you have" and Harry smiled.

"I know" he replied. "It certainly is a big one" and his girlfriend nodded.

"It's so thick and firm" and then with little warning, she leant over and took the entire length inside her mouth.

"Swallow it" Harry encouraged, and Hermione did just that with two or three goes. The entire hall was silent as they watched her finish eating Harry's sausage.

"Mmmmmmm" said Hermione dreamily as she licked her lips. Harry looked at everyone staring at them – Snape included – and decided one more thing was in order. Seeing that Hermione was leaning over the table towards him, he knew what it was.

"Would you mind awfully, dear, if I touched your baps?" and at that moment, Snape, Flitwick and McGonagall had to be taken out the hall because of the fact they had all fainted. "You know, Hermione" Harry continued, "I'm going to have to take you to the library for some proper discipline" and Hermione beamed at him as they walked out to a stunned silence


	7. Darting Around The Red Head

**Darting Around The Red Head**

_Thump_

"That's not bad" said Harry's voice.

"I'd like to see you try" replied Hermione.

"I will" Harry replied. "I'll hit Ron Weasley in the middle of his forehead" and then the thump of something hitting another something floated through the door.

"You killed Ron Weasley!" Hermione seemed to say this with delight. Professor Sinista went into the empty classroom to see Harry and Hermione standing behind a white line. On the wall facing them, was a dartboard with a picture of Ron Weasley on it. Sticking out his forehead was a lone dart.


	8. When Harry Swore At Snape

"And you're sure this will work?" asked Harry.

"Don't worry" Hermione assured him. "You've taken the potion so all we have to do is to get you to the hospital wing" and with a nod from her friend, Hermione cast a stunner at Harry and then shouted for a certain teacher.

#

"You could have cast a _Finite_, Miss Granger" said Madam Pomfrey as she fussed over Harry.

"I tried that, but it didn't seem to work. I shouted for Professor Snape because he was the closest teacher" Hermione said.

"I did assume that Potter was making a scene" said the aforementioned teacher. "But I also found that I could not awake Mr Potter" he added as Pomfrey waved her wand at Harry and muttered something. Harry's eyes snapped open, and he sat up and scanned the room. He found Snape looking at him and decided the tie was right.

"Professor Severus Snape – you really are a arsehole! You disgusting little bastard" and Snape went several shades of purple.

"DETENTION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE" he spluttered.

"Ah, shove your detention where the sun doesn't shine you wanking, cockmunching, donkeyribber, nob jockey, sheep shagging, manwhore" said Harry with a smile.

"I don't think Mr Potter means this" said Pomfrey after a while of Harry insulting Snape with a number of good curses. "I think that this is some kind of effect from whatever curse he was hit with" she added after Harry told Snape to shove a wet fish up his nostrils while getting buggered senseless by the giant squid.

"I tend to agree with Madam Pomfrey's analysis" said a calming voice. Everyone turned around to see Dumbledore standing in the Hospital Wing. "How are you doing?" he asked Harry.

"Quite well, you beardy old goit" said Harry politely.

"Hmmm… Yes well it is quite clear that Mr Potter should return to Gryffindor Tower to get over the effects" said Pomfrey after doing several checks on Harry.

"Finally! I can get the fuck out of here!" and Harry hoped off the bed and walked off leaving several people behind him wearing faces of surprise and astonishment. Harry and Hermione walked to a quiet part of the corridor outside where Hermione gave Harry a small vial.

"Take this" she said, and Harry swallowed the contents in one go. He made a face before thanking his friend.

"I think that we can tell the Twins that their '_Tourette's Potion_' works a treat" and they went to Gryffindor Tower to give the twins a recording of what had happened.

**A/N:  
**

**Hope you liked that!**

**Anyway, sorry I have been away for so long, but there is a good reason. Owing to the loss of Destiny (my computer) to a System Disk Boot error, I have lost EVERYTHING to do with my fanfics as well as my large music collection. Whilst I did have my back ups stored on a memory stick, this too has failed. While the computer is on for a major repair and rebuild, I have no access to my works.**

**For this reason, I will have to do one story at a time, starting with "The Deepest Friendship". Sorry for the problems, but they were beyond my control. I should have Destiny back in about a week or so.**

**Until then…**

**Pixel**


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